The events I lightheartedly describe in this article really happened. It was for me my somewhat humorous and bizzare initiation into shamanism. Although some might call this a period of hallucinations or vivid dreams, for me what I experienced was far beyond what could be considered just dreams or hallucinations.

It all began rather oddly. I was sick extremely so. The symptoms were myriad and the explanations were nil. The manifestations of my bizarre illness were expressed both physically and psychologically. I had chills, fevers, convulsions, aches, pains, and palpitations. I saw things that were not visible and heard things that made no sound. Through it all there was this intense burning, this soaring fire inside me. I sweated nightly. Well, of course I went to doctors. Doctors who knew neither the cause nor the cure. Doctors who said I was fine albeit suffering from some nervous tension and a tad overweight. So in desperation I started to fast; for twenty days I fasted on water.

Whereupon, I began to have the dreams: vivid, lucid, often incomprehensible dreams. My sleeping and then my waking hours were overrun by them,darting in and out of my feverish mind. During the day I would find myself falling into these trance-like states, often unable to get out. Now, initially and for the most part the dreams were about my parents,both deceased. My Mother having passed away early in the year and my Father many years before. The remainder of the dreams, however,centered around.....,,well...,,, this huge Brown Bear with a fish in his mouth. He never ate the darn thing, he just carried it around. Than sometimes he would hold it in one enormous paw and rear up on his haunches,standing and looking at me-so intently and with such intelligent eyes. The creature seemed to be trying to say something but what? What was he trying to convey - wisdom, pity, sadness, camaraderie - and why was he there in the first place?

The dreams of my parents continued and grew deeper; mostly they were of a comforting nature. Explaining to me the values they'd given me over the years, talking about and feeling our love for each other, letting me know they were together and how happy they were. My Father saying: "Anything worth doing is worth doing well" My Mother saying: "You've always been a good son. I know you'll do fine. Before you were born I prayed to God to give me you" We've always been a close family. We knew each other well. I felt something was happening here. I was certain of it. They too were trying to tell me something. I felt like I was about to begin a long strange journey.

"Mom...ah....,am I..., going somewhere?" "You're going to be a great Shaman." What? "You'll learn in your dreams - you'll find out everything you need to know - very soon," she said: With that they were gone and I awoke. Shaman, O.K. - Yeah - Right...,, I recalled a time about ten years ago. I had met this famous anthropologist while doing my M.A. in Psychology & Holistic studies.She was a visiting professor at the college I attended in San Francisco. I went to one of her evening lectures, and was very much impressed with her. After the lecture I waited,met with her and told her how she moved me. We talked for a long while and when we parted she hugged and kissed me and I remember there was so much electricity that I was taken aback. She told me then that I was a Shaman. I thought at the time that maybe this was some sort of Californian way of saying youre an O.K. guy or a real cool dude. No, there was a seriousness behind her smile and casual words. That - ten years ago and now this, my Mother telling me that I was a Shaman and all along I had we were just Protestants. These kind of things didnt just happen to me everyday.

Many questions remained to be answered, for example: did I have an choice in the matter or was this one of those offers you cant refuse. I needed to find books, I was compelled to find out everything I could about shamanism. I went to the library, and anything with shaman in the title I checked out. That night,I began to read the books.Under initiation into shamanism they listed the two most probable ways: 1) Ancestry. Lets see, if my Mom and Dad were shamans, its news here. seems like I would have guessed it or at the very least seen a telltale snake skin lying around or something. Maybe it skips generations. I never knew my grandparents. My Father was born in Cajun Country - Baton Rouge, Louisiana. His Mother was White and His father was Black, very unusual for the time but nobody ever mentioned shamans - that would have been too much. My Mother was born in Tuskegee, Alabama; her father was African and her Mother Native-American Indian - were any of these grandparents shamans - I didnt know.

The books listed the second way: 2) Accepting the call through dreams. Aha! the key word there for me was accepting. Maybe there was a way out of this thing, maybe I wasnt drafted after all. I couldnt see myself in those costumes they wore in the book.That night as I slept, a funny thing happened. The bear - you remember the bear - the bear began to talk to me. he actually started to speak. First with the fish in his mouth, then remembering the fish, he removed it and with a dignified a hem cleared his throat and began again, raising himself up to a posture more appropriate for conversation. Well, admittedly, I was interested in what the bear had to say. Wouldnt you be? But I couldnt stop giggling about this bear talking and the initial fish in the mouth added to the humour. I bit my lip and straightened up a bit. The Bear probably had something very important to say,I said to myself and I should give him the courtesy and respect that any talking bear deserves - I started to laugh out loud again - I couldnt help it. He was quite tolerant of me, I must say. A very well-bred bear indeed. Certainly more mannered than I. Finally it was out of my system and I could now listen with only a titter of laughter struggling inside myself.

You will be given many gifts, first and most appropriately, he said with just an air of bear full pride is the Power of the Bear - To dream Awake. To dream awake?..., Oh,.... Forgive me, I dont mean to sound ungrateful, but this power to dream awake, what actual use is it, I mean what can I do with it? You will see, he said and he faded away.Then I awoke to see my father smoking his pipe. The smell of the cherry-blend tobacco smoke sailing toward me in the form of those smoke circles he would make. The circle touching my face. It was real. Suddenly he and I were actually there. I wondered if everything else in my life had been a dream because this was so real. Hi, Top Cat he said (that was my nickname from childhood) Daddy you're here! No, you're here, he smiled. "This is the power to dream awake."he said," This is the power to go inside yourself and ask any question and find a true answer. We'll be here for you but it wont always be easy - youll still have to go through some tough times, you can make it though. Were countin on you and we know you can do it."

With that I awoke again and my body was covered with sweat, it was 3:00 a.m. I changed shirts, dried off and fell back onto a deep sleep. Again I saw my parents, this time in a park-like setting - a setting I can hardly begin to describe. Like a Van Gogh painting, the multicoloured sky swirled and the trees swayed, the colors so deep and rich seeing them was not enough, to know these colors one had to taste them because these were hues not seen by my earthy eyes before. The depth and breadth and beauty of the scene caused a dizziness, a mild intoxication of the spirit that I still cannot explain. It was with some effort that I stood resisting the desire to fall upon the plush greenery that surrounded my feet. I was like a child having turned himself round and round many times, unable to stand and falling drunkenly to the ground. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my Mother, as real as my Father was before pointing me in the direction I should go.

Wanting to see what she was pointing toward I walked the few steps and there he was. I was in the company of Jesus.Now this is where things get a bit more than slightly ridiculous. He was standing all arrayed in a white robe but behind a volleyball net in a green field, and there were these people shooting arrows at him and he was defecting them, casually, like a ninja,all the while looking keenly at me. This demonstration was for my benefit I sensed. As he continually defected the arrows, one by one those people shooting the arrows began to disappear. Then he said to me:See, things happen - people try to attack you - spirits/demons try to hurt you but dont worry you cant die. Sure youll give up your body someday but then youll be resurrected in the spirit. Its a no-lose situation. He was,although he didnt say the words, telling me to lighten up, take things less desperately, This was all well and good but this was not quite what I expected. Where was the POWER AND THE GLORY.

Is this really what you look like I thought. I said aloud Jesus, then said more softly Jesus, thinking that the former pronunciation had been almost profane. He knew without my saying my thoughts of Why - volleyball,why the arrows,I mean reallyHe sat on the grass. I knew I was to sit across from him and repeat what he said:I am now ready to understand the mysteries of the universe ;I am now ready to understand the mysteries of the universe , "I said" I was not. The meditation began quite beautifully. In a moment I was hurled deep into space. At first I saw only the dark and the stars, then in the center there was a square black space, an electric gold gel-like substance was flowing, seeping just under one edge. A thin stream, a minutely thin stream of the light from the flow was shining into my head. I began to feel, to know unspeakable majesty and such magnificent power and wisdom that all I could think to say was Yes,of course, or nothing at all - made dumb by awe. Liquid flowing lights and sounds filled my head with immense, unimagined brilliance. Pyramids of color - filled wisdom and ecstasy radiated from every atom of my being that had to go beyond even love. How amazing it all felt - then it changed.

My experience changed. It became all too much. The power flooded into me. I couldnt stand it. I couldnt I couldnt hold it. Their was nowhere to put it. I shook I screamed; I cried out - Mommy It was over. Up till now I havent mentioned my girlfriend, but she woke me and told me I was dreaming. She had a smile in her voice and Im sure it had to do with the fact that I had screamed for my Mommy,a term I hadnt used since the age of thirteen - when I recall I had another almost identical overwhelmingly powerful experience in meditation. Oh Yes, I had meditated for a very long time but I had more or less gotten away from it in the past year or so. I had been busy and I had been almost shell-shocked. In truth things had gotten a bit too unusual during my meditations but now it was happening in my sleep - was there no escape? No, I could not escape from the energies that seemed determined to transform me wholly. I remembered that someone once told me: First you do meditation, then later, maybe many years later meditation does you.

For a moment I had to recap the facts. Im a 25 year old Black American raised in the inner-city, trained in psychology, currently living in Paris on a sabbatical. Im waking up everynight in a cold sweat, soaking wet, dreaming about bears and shamanism (neither of which I had much experience with or cared to), magnificent other worlds and an overly atlectic Jesus, and to top it all off Im screaming for my Mommy. Again I must reiterate things like this didnt happen to me every day. Is there something in the water here? This was all too strange. I continued reading the books., they listed some of the powers or medicines as they often called them. The Power of the Bear - To Dream Awake The Power of the Buffalo - Wisdom and Balance The Power of the Gander - Understand the three realms of Past, Present, and Future The Power of the Eagle - The Power to See The Power of the Wolf - To Find the Trackless Way The Power of the Raven - Carrier of Magick - Courage to enter the darkness of the void

It went on and on - I read all the books, but it wasnt enough. I had to go back. I went into a trance. I found him, again on the volleyball field - check it - this time he was playing. Well by now Im thinking I should go back to Ohio , find some nice Psychiatric establishment and just chill for a while. I had a huge since of foreboding. I knew from everything, the books, the dreams, that I had some major heavy duty tests just to even join the club, after that - only God knows and he was playing volleyball. My body was wracked with fever and pain, despite cute talking bears with fish and a Jesus who could have easily coached the Olympic volleyball team, this was fast becoming not a comedy.He had just done a mean spike and had scored a point against the opposing team. he was playing alone - but he seemed to have a distinct advantage. He came toward me. Jesus, I said things are gettin a little outta hand hear - Im real sick - Im having serious doubts about my sanity - weird stuff is happening to my body..., Whoa, he said , lighten up! Youre being transfigured - Go with it - Breath into itO.K., Suddenly he sounded like me leading a stress management class. Its a game, he said, play to win, play the very best you can but remember its not real life..., though everything depends on it

O.K. now I was thoroughly confused. He touched my arm saying Think of Love, think of the ones you love, think of your parents; think of your girlfriend, think of the children of the world. You already know all you need to know, simply remember. Confusion was vanquished and clarity restored. The next days and weeks went by swiftly, my body feeling as though it were changing, things - changes going on deep inside my brain - an internal reconstruction. I was being made new. It was not pleasant, but it was not entirely unpleasant. I meditated daily, read holy books and the texts on shamanism. They spoke of the shaman as a wounded healer; of suffering and the understanding of suffering. Many things dawned on me. Sure, I had known poverty, prejudice, some pain and despair, but not to the depths some others have known it.The greatest agony of my life was when my parents left it. and even still I was blessed to know that they still existed in another place. How many are given that?

I had been a counselor and had never really known the deepness of depression that many of my clients faced. I had never been homeless, never totally alone in the world, without hope, or starving. I have never even personally known the horrors of war. I thought about those who did. Then I thought about the children without parents who had never known, the security, the luxury of a family, who had never had the moments, though they seemed all too short that I and with my Mother and Father. I became very still. I became empathic. I was now learning these things each night with my many guides. The next night I woke in my sleep to a jungle. A voice in my mind said; Beware in this garden, although there are many flowers, there are also weeds - beware the entanglement of weeds. I walked struggling through the thick foliage under a tree when suddenly a snake swooped down. Startled, I jumped back.Im looking for the Bear, I said, not wondering for a moment if snakes here could talk.Oh You Are!Yes, I said with a hint of a stammer. Do you know where I could find him?, I said, a bit more defiantly, What does he look like?, asked the snake. He looks quite like a bear, I said, a bit too testy considering this was a snake I was talking to, a snake within striking distance. He's very large, brown, and often carries a fish about in his mouth.

Oh yes him, well, he's down by the river; How do I get there? You're new here aren't you? Yes, kinda! Just think of the place and then youre there, silly! Thank You, I said, fairly embarrassed at being called silly by a large green snake hanging absurdly from a tree. Well meet again, he said. As I left his gold eyes glowed and a fierceness that I had not seen before made itself present in him. I thought of the river and the bear, and they were before me. The Bear looked troubled. He had a mournful look. The time is very soon now. The earth is troubled; he said, You are to help heal the race.What wait the human race sounds like a bit of a tall order. Couldnt we start off with something small? the arms race Maybe another kind of race altogether...,, N.Y. Marathon, Daytona 500, Tour de France? The Bear was in no joking mood, he disappeared. I awoke. I remembered that years ago when I did massage, people had said that I was healing them, that I had healing energy and they could feel it emitting from hands. But how was I supposed to use this? What was I supposed to do - go around touching everybody? It was getting intense again. Let it be made clear here that I am not without courage. Every-day-walking-around courage, I have in abundance. I was trained Tae-Kwon-Do (Korean karate) beginning at age twelve and there is nothing on the street that I cant deal with. Ive jumped in the middle of domestic disputes in bars where a guy was just about ready to beat his girlfriend senseless. Ive stood up against your local hoods and drug dealers and on more than one occasion Ive actually chased crooks down the street. But things that happened in meditation and trance states unnerved me...,, and demons and evil spirits?...,,, the terror I was feeling now was getting worse. I had read the books- I had heard about the evil spirits and the demons that eat your flesh. The descriptions were vivid. After all I thought exactly how do you jump kick a phantom?

The books had all said that not everyone who is called to be a shaman survives the initiation. This reality seemed to real for me. I had no way of dealing with it. I felt like the Woody Allen of inner space. I had been given truly wonderful gifts - key high-level instruction - only one small very minor detail remained Exactly what in hell was I supposed to do- besides go there? I felt like a six-year old alone in a Lamborghini with the accerator stuck heading off a cliff. I fell into a trance. The Bear was back. Im sorry about last time, I said. He nodded.You will be engaged in a battle in the land of spirits,he began. First as an initiation, then if you are successful you will journey back....,,, indefinitely (under my breath - Oh great) Each battle won, he continued, will heal more and more of the earth, more of the human race. They will be fought both internally and externally. By your thoughts, by your words, by your actions, by your deeds. Did you not take the Bodisattva Vow ?

Oh there hangin that over my head again For a moment my weary memory was flooded with all the ritual - all the seeking of my past. My quest from childhood to be a knight a warrior, my taking of the Bodisattva vow; my sin eating, it all came back except the youthful arrogance and industrutability I felt when I had done those things.Age had taken its toll on my altruistic idealism- was I still the same person- could I make the vow again? On the other hand was it too late to retract my earlier statements made under the duress of youth and the accompanying mental incompetence. I thought of excuses I looked for loopholes. Did they have this in writing somewhere? Would it hold up in cosmic court? God, what a weird child I was - Enough! I had made the decision to continue this little adventure. Why? I dont know why - Maybe my life was boring - I didnt have cable - I was starved for excitement - I dont know. In a flash I was back in my bed. I wanted to get some coaching: brush up on my shamanism; He said there would be tests- were they to be written or oral? I didnt want to be put in the slow class. How exactly do shamans train? Are there special diets - restrictions on sex before a big fight? If I was going to be a shaman I was going to be the heavyweight champion shaman. That night I had a restful sleep.

I knew that the next night would be the battle. All of my guides were there. My Parents told me how much they loved me, they told me that love was my strength and purity my shield. They told me to remember. Then the Bear talked of Shamanism. He spoke of practicing reconciliation by seeing through the eyes of others and these others included not only humans but animals and very importantly; the earth. He spoke long and deeply of many things and at the end he asked me which powers or medicines I requested saying all were mine for the asking but for me to remember - To those whom much is given much is expected. I felt beyond calm. I felt serene, even powerful. I was ready. I could hold the energy now. The force would no longer overwhelm me. I asked for all the medicines I would need to do my part to heal the earth and her inhabitants. With this the meeting was over and I spent some time in quiet contemplation - alone.

Then it began. I entered the land of the spirits and was taken by forces whose odor was pungent and touch foul and sticky. They grabbed and bound me dragging me toward the edge of a cliff. I struggled and escaped running with arms bound behind my back to a rope bridge that stretched across a river of molten lava-like substance. I saw no other possible way to go and they were chasing me. I rushed onto the shaky bridge - as I reached the middle, I glanced back - they were all laughing - the bridge was dissolving with me on it. I felt myself falling endlessly and then with a heavy splash I dropped into the thick boiling substance. I was being cooked! My flesh was burning - dropping off- I was screaming in pain, despair and agony. I saw then the snakes swimming toward me, massing themselves around my shoulders as I struggled to keep my head above the gel-like blob. Then I saw them. The skull creatures. They came clothed in dark robes with only these skeleton-like faces and hands exposed to view. They fished me out of the gel with dozens of snakes still clinging to me and biting me. They put me on a rock slab and with sharp knives and hatchets began cutting up my body, digit by digit - joint by joint. My consciousness fell from pain into numbness. "Remember", I said to myself "Remember" I said more forcefully. Just then a surge of warm liquid filled my brain, I remembered love and Jesus standing in a field saying remember and me doing so. I knew who I was, I knew who we all are. I started to laugh. It's been that simple all along These guys are cutting me up and I'm laughing.They look ridiculous. What is this Halloween Give me that leg back - now scat! All of You! I lay there laughing the old body dissolving with the new one taking its' place- stronger somehow better. I was whole now but still at the bottom of the pit. I thought of the magick - I thought of the raven - I became the raven. I ascended into the light. The last image I saw that night was Jesus. This time in a shimmering white tennis outfit no less. He was playing doubles against two guys with wings. "Christ", I said," I never knew I had wings," "Everyone does," he said "Although most forget to fly" tossing the ball up into the air, he turned, smiled at me, hit it and scored another ace.

Copyright 1991 - 2002 Zachary James Miller

POSTSCRIPT It has been over ten years now since I had my experiences and wrote the above account. The time for training and hibernation is past and the battle time has truly begun.